Episode 0032 | CARING for your marriage while raising kids
If you’re anything like me, you love your babies fiercely—and you also notice how quickly marriage can get the leftovers once tiny feet hit the floor at 6:12 a.m. There’s the scramble to get out the door (what used to take five minutes now takes thirty-five—ask me how I know), then “watch this!” on loop all summer long, and then the late-evening moment when you look at your spouse and realize both of you emptied your bucket on everybody else today.
This article is my honest blueprint for how we’re learning to protect the marriage covenant without short-changing our son—and without pretending this is always tidy. I’ll walk you through (1) why marriage must stay first on the family calendar, (2) how to be a united front without becoming rigid, and (3) the simple Christ-centered rhythms that stabilize a modern home. I’ll also give you practical routines that buy back couple time (yes, even with toddlers).
Marriage First Isn’t Selfish—It’s Strategic (and Biblical)
Let me say the quiet thing out loud: marriage won’t protect itself. Parents protect marriage. Not by idolizing romance, but by stewarding covenant. The order matters because the order nourishes. When husband and wife are connected, kids get calmer parents, clearer boundaries, and a more secure home base.
Our “bucket” reality check. By 8 p.m., most of our patience is gone. If we don’t plan to have something left for marriage, we won’t “accidentally” show up for each other. So we put protection points directly into the day:
Solo play windows. It’s okay—healthy, even—to say, “Go play by yourself for a bit, and then I’ll join you.” This isn’t neglect; it’s training attention and independence.
Decompress before re-entering. Some days I sit in the car 20–30 minutes after work to reset my spirit so I can show up rightly inside. That little pause helps me love both my child and my spouse well.
Early, consistent bedtime. We keep our little one on a year-round schedule—bedtime at seven—and that single choice returns hours to our marriage.
Remember, Proverbs says, “Train up a child in the way he should go” (Prov. 22:6). Training includes rhythms that serve the whole family—including mom and dad.
Discipline that disciples. We referenced the “spare the rod” Scripture not as license to harm but as a picture of shepherding—guiding, gently prodding, and bringing back with the hook end (Prov. 13:24; shepherd imagery). In our home, “rod” reads like structure: bedtimes, chore charts, tone checks, consequences that are calm and consistent. We’re not just preventing chaos; we’re forming character—ours and theirs.
A note for tender hearts: prioritizing marriage doesn’t push kids out; it pulls the whole family into order. Kids actually relax when the grown-ups are steady.
A United Front (and Healthy Conflict) Your Kids Can Learn From
You know the classic move: a child asks Dad, then sprints to ask Mom—hoping for a softer answer. It’s not villainy; it’s human nature with sneakers on. Our job is to lovingly close the loopholes.
Here’s how we practice unity:
Honor the first answer. If my spouse already said “no,” I echo it—even if I personally wouldn’t have minded the “yes.” The point isn’t perfect policy; it’s a consistent team.
Know when to back up or back out. Sometimes I hear a conversation from another room and want to chime in. Wisdom says: let the parent in that moment finish it. Our kids need to know Mom’s voice means something even when Dad is silent—and vice versa.
Let them see you resolve, not just hide. Ideally, heavier disagreements happen behind closed doors. But sometimes real life is real loud, and we end up working through something in the kitchen. That’s not failure; it’s formation. We keep tones low, listen to understand (not to reload), and circle back to warmth. Our son’s even told us, “Stop yelling,” because he’s seen so many healthy moments that the contrast startles him. That’s a good sign—and an invitation to course-correct.
Healthy conflict ≠ harshness. There’s a canyon-wide difference between honest disagreement and verbal abuse. So we audit our language. Are we sarcastic? Demeaning? Controlling? If the answer stings, we take it to prayer and, if needed, to counseling. Because…
Our children are studious observers. When a parent slings a sleek insult, a three-year-old learns to mimic it by dinner. They “learned it somewhere,” and usually it’s not the TV—it’s us. Unity doesn’t mean we never disagree; it means we disagree with dignity. That’s a gift our kids will carry into every future relationship.
Practical Routines That Buy Back Couple Time (Even with Toddlers)
Let’s get down to brass tacks. These are the everyday moves that make room for love to keep breathing.
1) The 7 p.m. bedtime + consistent schedule
We keep our son on a schedule in winter, summer, spring, and fall—every day of the week. This isn’t rigidity; it’s rescue. A predictable rhythm calms kids and creates space for marriage.
2) Sleep training early (and kindly)
When the pediatrician said our baby could sleep through the night, we endured a rough week of transition. I wanted to “rescue” him from every fuss; my husband held the line. It gave our child independence and gave us rest to be healthy versions of ourselves. Do we occasionally do “family pile-in” mornings? Yup—special, not standard.
3) Solo play blocks
We normalize 20–30 minutes of independent play (timer helps), then we re-engage joyfully. Independence is a gift to your child and your marriage.
4) Daily couple touchpoint
After bedtime, we aim for a 15-minute sit-down: “High/low/learned/loved.” Phones away. Sometimes that 15 becomes longer; sometimes it’s exactly 15 and we watch a show. The point is connection on purpose.
5) Date cadence that fits your season
Studies (which I’ll link in the show notes like we mentioned on the episode) point to the power of regular date time. Your cadence might be weekly, biweekly, or monthly. Make it “scheduled time,” not “someday floated into maybe.”
6) United discipline
We match boundaries and consequences. If one parent sets a limit, the other backs it. That cohesiveness disarms manipulation—and teaches respect.
7) Tone checks
Kids imitate what we model, especially how we talk to each other. If sass creeps in, we reset—and if we slip in front of them, we repair in front of them.
8) Tech on purpose
Tablets aren’t the devil, but “shove a tablet” can be the easy button when we’re tired. We aim for intentional use—creative apps, video chats with grandparents, or family movie night—over default babysitting.
9) Micro-moments of affection
Quick shoulder squeezes, kitchen hugs, forehead kisses in front of the kids. This bakes safety into the air—and anchors you two to one another.
10) Prayer bookends
Open and close the day with 30 seconds together before God. It’s not dramatic. It’s daily bread.
Let’s Talk in the Comments
Where do you and your spouse most often get out of sync—bedtime, discipline, or tone?
What one Christ-centered rhythm (prayer walk, verse of the week, tech basket) would help your home this month?
If your child tends to “double-ask” you both, what’s a loving script you can use to honor the first answer?
What tiny 15-minute window could you reclaim this week for a marriage touchpoint?
Which pull quote above hits home for you—and why?
A Final Word from My Heart
We’re not aiming for a picture-perfect family. We’re training our hearts—and theirs—toward Jesus. The work is daily and sometimes unglamorous. But I promise: small, faithful rhythms compound into a home where joy feels at home.
In the meantime, in between time, stay focused and nurture the relationships that God has gifted you.
If this served you, follow us on YouTube for more real-time conversations, practical rhythms, and Christ-centered coaching for the busiest seasons of marriage and motherhood.
