Episode 0027 | What 10 Years of Marriage Taught Us & Tips That Could Help Yours
You ever wake up one day and realize that what felt like ten minutes was actually ten years? That was us. Ten years of marriage. One child, countless seasons, and more lessons than we could ever fit in a podcast episode. But we tried—and now, I’m unpacking those gems here.
Whether you're in year one of your marriage or still praying over your future spouse, I want to help you succeed faster than we did. Because yes, marriage is beautiful. But it’s also stretching, refining, and deeply spiritual work. And the sooner you embrace that, the sooner your marriage can thrive.
The First Big Shift: Relationships Shape Everything
Even the most self-proclaimed loners can't escape it: relationships shape our emotional health, our spiritual walk, and the way we experience life. Marriage just happens to be the one that mirrors all of it back to us the clearest.
“It’s not just one thing. It’s different things in different seasons.”
When we got married, we were among the first in our friend group to take that leap. Over the years, we’ve watched people marry, divorce, remarry, or give up entirely. So when folks ask, "What kept y’all together this long?" we could say communication. Or faith. Or therapy. And all of that would be true. But the honest answer? We never stopped growing—as individuals or as a couple.
Your twenties and thirties will demand different versions of you. And your marriage has to make room for both.
Emotional Intelligence: The Game-Changer Nobody Preaches
I can say without blinking: emotional intelligence has been the most underrated key to our longevity. Not just the ability to name a feeling, but the ability to handle it wisely. Emotional intelligence looks like:
Knowing what you're feeling before you react
Communicating those emotions clearly and respectfully
Understanding your partner's emotional needs even when they don't say them outright
“If people could get a handle on their emotional intelligence earlier, their marriage would be better off.”
But here's where many couples get stuck: They either misidentify what they feel, or they express it in ways that create more distance. That’s why so many arguments aren’t about the topic at hand—they’re about unmet emotional needs that no one has slowed down to name.
And when emotions get hot? That’s when real communication is tested. Not in casual, daily conversation. But in the high-stakes, vulnerable moments where your reactions could build a bridge or set fire to everything.
Therapy Early, Not Just When It's Urgent
From day one, therapy has been part of our rhythm. Not because we were falling apart, but because we wanted to build wisely. We sat on a counselor's couch when things were good so that we could keep them good. And when life threw us curveballs, we had the tools ready.
Therapy helped us:
Spot unhealthy patterns before they exploded
Learn to argue with care instead of chaos
Be better friends, not just spouses
And eventually, therapy gave us permission to go deeper individually. That led to our next major key—the relentless pursuit of personal healing.
Heal Fast. Grow Up Sooner.
A hard truth? Some people grow old, but they never grow up. We've mentored couples who have been married longer than us but are still arguing like teenagers because they never matured emotionally.
“Even if there was nothing to talk about, we made sure we sat on someone’s couch.”
Spiritual wounds. Childhood trauma. Generational patterns. If you don't unpack them, they will eventually unpack themselves—on your marriage.
Here’s what that looked like for us:
Exploring our triggers (Why does this tiny thing set me off?)
Naming our wounds (Where did this fear of abandonment start?)
Owning our defaults (Why do I withdraw instead of speak up?)
And here’s what it didn’t look like:
Blaming each other
Expecting the other to fix it
Justifying toxic behavior
Growth is a choice. But it starts with a mirror.
Vulnerability: Where Intimacy Lives
True intimacy isn't built on sex, vacations, or anniversaries. It's built on vulnerability—the kind that lets your spouse into the ugliest, hardest, most human parts of your story.
That stops today. Because real friendship inside marriage only happens when you're willing to be seen. And that kind of openness only flourishes when there's safety on both sides. That means:
No emotional punishments for honesty
No dismissiveness or shutdowns
Radical grace for each other's growth journey
You may not be there yet. But start with the decision to stop hiding.
Quick List: How to Stay Married and Like Each Other
Commit to therapy early and regularly
Learn emotional intelligence as a survival skill
Never stop growing individually
Create a safe space for vulnerability
Let Jesus be the foundation, not a footnote
Final Thoughts: Start With You
The best gift you can give your marriage is a healthier you. We’ve had our share of fights, dry spells, and disagreements—but we fought for healing. We put our egos down. We chose to grow.
"You may be a late bloomer, but it's not too late to take initiative in your growth."
Your marriage doesn’t have to look like ours. But I promise you: the principles work. And God is still in the business of restoring and renewing what feels broken beyond repair.
If this helped you, share it with someone who’s praying for this kind of breakthrough.
So, Ask Yourself…
Where do you struggle the most: emotions, communication, or vulnerability?
Have you and your spouse ever done therapy together?
What old belief or habit might be holding your marriage back?
How do you respond when your partner expresses hard emotions?
What would "growing up" look like in this season of your relationship?
"Some things just aren't that deep. You have to grow up."
